Back to school has been a phrase that has always signified my kids going back to the school year schedule–eight in the morning until three thirty in the afternoon. Even when my oldest daughter left for college, I still had my younger daughter at home. But this year, back to school took on a whole new meaning at our house. There would be no more hectic mornings of backing out of the driveway (later than we should be) to get to school. No more running by Wal-mart to get that one more needed school supply. No more permission slip forms to sign for field trips. No more sport’s physicals to schedule. No more basketball games, musical concerts or plays to attend. No more phone calls from one of my kids saying, “Mom, I left my homework–my paper–my gym bag–my…. Can you drop it by the school today?” No more taxi service duties for me. For twenty years, this is what I have known. These are the things that have been a part of my routine. This is what I did as a mom.
A few weeks ago we took our “baby” to college. Now what responsibilities do I have? The duties I had as a mom (when my kids were living at home) were a labor of love, but they also identified me. I knew I had purpose. I knew I was needed.
Since taking my daughter to college, I have felt somewhat displaced. Now what do I do? All of these things I had planned on doing when my kids left for college–because I would finally have the time–aren’t getting done. I can’t seem to concentrate. Instead, the lack of activity and the absence of clutter is a distraction. It’s a stark reminder that my life has changed. The other day I walked by their empty bedrooms. Oh, the number of days I would walk by one of their rooms and sigh with a level of frustration over the condition of their space, has now been replaced with a woeful sigh as I look on the spotless condition of that space. The kitchen counters I cleaned two days ago still look clean. They’re not adorned with school papers, books, and poster board from the latest History project. The front door area, for so many years occupied with shoes, backpacks, and items not to be forgotten on the way to school, is now clutter free. When three o’clock arrives in the afternoon, I don’t need to stop what I’m doing in order to pick up a child from school. My daily to do list isn’t dictated by my kid’s schedules. And the hustle and bustle of piano lessons, basketball games, and reminding someone to, “Please get your homework done,” has now been assigned to the memory category of my life instead of the reality category of my life.
Maybe if I just scattered some of my kid’s paraphernalia all over the house, I could finally begin my projects I had planned to do this fall. Perhaps, I would feel as though life is back to normal. Eventually, this new phase of life I’m in will be the new normal, but for right now I’m disoriented. I don’t recognize my new surroundings, and I’m still trying to get my bearings.
For three and half weeks I’ve been trying to finish this blog, and I don’t know where to go with my conclusion. I’m not sure what to say next. As I was discussing my dilemma with my husband this morning, he offered me some insight. He told me that at times it’s too difficult to resolve what we’re going through when we’re still in the middle of going through it. And then it hit me! I’ve never been in this place before. This is all too new. With honesty, I admit that I don’t have the answers to my current dilemma right now. And that’s OK. Apparently, God is still working something out in me.
What do you have going on in your life? What is God still working out in you? Sometimes, we don’t need to have all the answers. Sometimes we just need to say, “Here I am and I’m not exactly sure where that is. But God does.” Be honest. Be patient. And know that He who began a good work in you will be faithful to bring it to completion!